Saturday 16 January 2016

"Stonehenge Apocalypse"

(Written 3/8/2010 - a plot summary of a film so dreadful that it was on mainstream TV less than twelve months after it was made.)


Archaeologists, only, like, they're the bad kind of archaeologists, the ones who want to control the Earth, decipher an ancient prophecy and dig up this really important artefact in Maine. It turns out to be an alien terra-forming device, planted in prehistoric times, and digging it up turns it on! Immediately, the stones of Stonehenge swivel round and round, attract lightning from, like, nowhere, and lots of tourists who are wandering round the stones are killed. Somewhere else, an ancient pyramid spews out lava, killing thousands.


A team from the American Life-Saving Emergency Force try to work out the significance of this, but they are baffled until a discredited archaeological vulcanologist who studies ancient texts in his spare time warns them that pyramids are alien caps on volcanoes. They laugh at him, because he wears jeans and a leather jacket, and he rides a large motorcycle. Yes, they all laugh at him, even the top babe whose white coat you could bounce a 50p piece off, and who turns out to be the Harvard Professor of Life-Saving Emergencies.

Meanwhile, Stonehenge spins again, and another pyramid in another continent blasts lava. The American Life-Saving Emergency Force sends a team of disposable scientists to Stonehenge, where they set up video conferencing facilities so that their deaths by spinning-stone lightning can be recorded.

Enter the bonkers conspiracy theory nut, who has a regular radio programme on the Internet. He finds out about spinning Stonehenge, and flies to Wiltshire, where he climbs the mountains that surround Stonehenge. Descending to the plain below, he is pursued by the US Army, which is now protecting the area. As he runs to the stones, they begin to spin, and he and the soldiers are killed by lightning. Somewhere else, a pyramid does a kind of Transformers thing, lava, thousands dead.

A US General attached to the American Life-Saving Emergency Force gets very angry, and urges everyone not to listen to the handsome discredited archaeological vulcanologist, who has now worked out that all the transforming pyramid volcanoes are connected to Stonehenge by ley lines. The General blames Stonehenge for the volcanic delinquency, and flies the Atlantic to the mountains of Wiltshire to issue the command "Nuke Stonehenge!" because... I dunno, maybe phones and email were down or something.

The handsome archeological vulcanologist and his now subservient mini-skirted Harvard Professor of Life-Saving Emergencies race after him, because they have now translated some more text that explains how the terra-forming can be turned off. Landing quite close to a new pyramid that has emerged near Stonehenge, they have a big fight with the bad archaeologist's leader, who wishes to welcome in a new world order, mainly based on pumice. They win, there's lava, and a scream. Handsome and mini-skirt turn an ancient handle, and the stones of the Henge go back to their proper, God-given places.

They call the General, call off the strike! Too late, the nuke has already been dropped... OMG, I was on the edge of my seat by this time... but thankfully, at the General's command, the nuclear missile falls apart as it descends, leaving only two lumps of plutonium-241 to impact harmlessly on Stonehenge.

Pals, it's a hoot. If you enjoyed "Giant Octopus Vs Mega-Shark" - and who wouldn't - "Stonehenge Apocalypse" is the film for you.

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